I’ve already written to an extent what happened to Aayla and what’s going to happen with Jojo. I also outlined my current spring-cleaning project to try and get my mind off all of the grief. I’ve been cleaning since early this morning once I gave up on trying to sleep, but now I’m going to write this while I let my back and knees rest for a bit before getting back to cleaning. So how is everything else?
My crippling grief is having a physical effect on me. I can barely eat anything and I’m constantly nauseous. The thought of eating makes me sick. I can still drink liquids and I am still taking my medications. I couldn’t sleep at all last night or much the night before because I kept thinking of Aayla and constantly crying. I keep looking for her only to realize she’s not there and never will be again which causes me to cry even more. I don’t think I’m suffering from a depressive episode or falling into one because I’m staying active, I still have interest in things, and I’m not suicidal. I’m still hurting emotionally and physically though. I have appointments this week to talk to my therapist and my psychiatrist who handles my medications. So, I will be getting some desperately needed help.
Dad’s short-term memory is still practically non-existent but somehow, he has remembered (most of the time) that Aayla is gone. Only once has he asked me where she is but then quickly corrected himself and apologized to me. I was worried sick that he would be asking me constantly and causing me even more grief. I’m glad I was wrong. Dad wants to get me a new dog already. Things are still too raw but at the same time, it hurts so much to be alone. I don’t want to be alone. I also don’t want to/can’t replace Aayla.
As for Mom, she’s been doing anything and everything to try and help me through this. She’s also the one who is trying to find a new home for Jojo, so I don’t have to deal with it. I think she’s been looking for chihuahua puppies too though she’s mostly doing that on the downlow so as not to unintentionally upset me. I’m so lucky to have my mom. I don’t know how I would be able to get through any of this without her.
Mom and Dad’s dog, Pixie, seems oblivious to Aayla being gone. When our first chihuahua (Chi-Chi) died, Aayla grieved for her and was stressed out enough by it for her stress to show up in a vet’s blood test. Pixie is not Aayla. In fact, the reason I wanted to get Pixie so bad was not only because of Dad’s grief for Chi-Chi but because of Aayla’s grief. I don’t remember being too hurt by Chi-Chi’s passing. It wasn’t as sudden as Aayla’s. I also wasn’t as close to her. I’ve never felt grief like I am right now.
My friends on Facebook and elsewhere have been sending me condolences and offering to talk with me when I’m ready to talk. I haven’t been ready to talk yet, but I truly appreciate their offers. Their friendship means the world to me. I had to take a break from Simularity due to my immense pain. My Simularity fans have all been sympathetic to my situation and have told me to take my time before coming back to the Sims community. I’m grateful to them all.
I’ve been trying to work on my art to get my mind off everything. My interest in working on my art was reignited a couple weeks ago when my mom loaned me the money to get the brand-new Poser 13. (I’ll be paying her back next month.) So far, I’ve been focused on creating Star Wars fan art. I have made three such artworks so far. You can see them and more at my official art site Dream 9 Art. Once I get some more cleaning done, I will work on my art some more. I guess I’m on a Star Wars kick due to watching the recent Season 3 of The Mandalorian and looking forward to the upcoming Jedi: Survivor game which I’ve already preordered.
Right now, I am making my “to do” list for the next week or so. It’s a long list! Most of it is cleaning related but there’s a lot of other stuff too. I really have my work cut out for me! I just hope all of this work helps me with my grief over losing Aayla. Regardless, I had better get to it. Thank you for viewing and I hope you return for my future posts.